The updated Member’s Rule Book from my club Quo Vadis, the Grande Dame of Dean Street, Soho, London:

• The Martini Gong will sound promptly at 6pm on Wednesdays for Happy Hour.  This is not a fire drill.
• Rudeness is for the bedroom.  No moaning.  No pestering.  No excuses.
• Even the best behave badly sometimes.  Boilers aside, most things can be fixed with an apology.
• Whilst children are wonderful, boasting about their achievements can ruin a pleasant evening.
• No discussions of share prices, house prices, home furnishings and other mundane frippery.
• No seduction of the management.  They are immune.
• The red loo is exceptionally good for photographic self portraits.  Please remember that it is not the primary function of the space.
• No fake gangsters.  No pistols, flintlocks, muskets, rapiers, cannons, lances, maces, swords, daggers, whips or clubs.
• The piano is there to be played – well.
• If you feel a spontaneous compulsion to dance on the banquettes, good for you.  Please take a moment to remove your heels and hobnails first.
• This building is very old and the doorways unsuited to permitting inflated or fragile egos.

Yep – my kind of club.